Opposite Personalities: Does It Work in Love?

During the radio program The Love School Answers, a regular listener (referred to as student by the hosts) said she is a restless person with a personality that is the opposite of her boyfriend, with whom she has been in a relationship for a year and five months and whom she intends to marry. Despite recognizing his qualities, she told the instructors Renato and Cristiane Cardoso that she was afraid this difference would cause frustration.

STUDENT—I am 21 years old. I study, work, and have a very busy life because I do my best to have a better future. I am dating a 24-year-old young man who is from my church. We have been together for a year and five months and plan to marry. When we started dating, I was in a moment of need for affection. He is a wonderful person. He has a good character. He is hard-working, very gentlemanly, sincere, and a good son. I have been observing his personality. He is extremely calm, quiet, homely, and shy. I am the opposite. For me, everything is for yesterday. I have many plans, and I go after them. One day, I was upset with him for something very small, and he left and spent more than 15 days without talking to me. He has become a proud person. We almost broke up until he hugged me and told me he loved me, but in the end, we did not resolve the problem. My biggest fear is that these differences could cause serious problems, and I would become frustrated.

RENATO—It is very common to like someone who is your opposite because that person has characteristics and qualities that you lack. For example, you are a restless young woman, but he calms you down and creates a moment of peace in your day-to-day life. He may also have liked you precisely because of the excitement you bring to his life.

CRISTIANE—Opposites attract. I rarely see couples who are the same. Imagine if they were both restless. Neither would have time for the other in this relationship, and it would be a total anxiety day and night. Someone has to do the calming part.

RENATO—It’s natural that, in most relationships, very different people feel attracted to each other. Of course, there are difficulties, too. While the more agitated person wants to resolve the issue now, the calmer one says, “We’ll talk about it later.” The relationship faces more difficulties when one person wants to impose their personality. You need to know how to deal with differences.

CRISTIANE—You made a big deal out of a seemingly small problem. You probably disrespected him. You both have your own ways, but you must know how to take advantage of each other’s ways.

RENATO—You are giving too much importance to things you could ignore. If you get married, problems may arise if you insist on making the other person a copy of yourself. But when you understand that he is different from you and know how to take advantage of these differences—accepting his good qualities and influences and ignoring the other things—you will not have problems. We invite you to read the book Bulletproof Marriage, in which we talk about how to deal with differences.