Article | - 5:14 pm
TV Hosts, Authors, and Relationship Counselors Renato and Cristiane Cardoso Give Insightful Tips on This Matter
The Love School—A Escola do Amor TV program hosts, relationship experts and counselors Renato and Cristiane Cardoso teach how to deal with differences in the relationship. The tips aim to help the couple become allies and not enemies.
Incompatibility of temperaments, divergence of values, personalities, goals, and different perspectives on life have been the main reasons for divorces between famous and anonymous people.
Renato Cardoso explains that when two individuals are not in sync in a relationship, they begin to question why they are together since their differences are much greater than their affinities.
“Interestingly, when you meet someone, what usually sparks your interest is precisely the fact that they are different from you,” observes Cristiane. “In other words, the differences that initially attract you to each other are the same ones that will later cause problems in the relationship.”
The problem is not being different from the other person; on the contrary, differences benefit the relationship. The issue is learning how to manage them.
“What initially attracted someone becomes irritating in the relationship because we want to impose ourselves or don‘t have the patience to deal with the other person’s different side. Then resentment arises because when we impose change, the other person, instead of changing, usually defends themselves or gets hurt and resentful. Then several wounds begin to form in the relationship,” highlights Renato.
Couples who go through this often think that the solution is to separate and find someone with whom they have more affinity. However, this is not the solution. Regardless of how much affinity two people have, differences and divergences in the relationship will exist.
Therefore, the way forward is to seek an alignment of ideas, objectives, plans, and expectations. After all, if even a car, which is a machine, needs alignment and balancing to function properly and not damage its parts, what can we say about a romantic relationship between two human beings who have so many complexities?
“You need to be aligned with your partner. Only then will you have the stability needed to face obstacles and maintain a happy and lasting marriage,” emphasizes Renato.
Cristiane adds that it is often an easy problem to solve. When a person refuses to change a certain attitude that harms the relationship, the message they send to their spouse is that they do not care about what they think or feel.
Renato explains that it is necessary to understand that when your partner points out something in you that is hurting the relationship, it is not because they want to control you but because they want to make the relationship healthier.
“Most of the time, what‘s at the bottom is pride. The person doesn‘t want to do what their partner says because they do not want to give in. And often pride makes the person ‘raise a banner’ that is usually applauded: ‘I want to be myself!’”
According to Renato, the biggest mistake is to think that you are a wonderful person and, therefore, do not need to change. In other words, you assume your behavior is 100% great. Most of the time, when someone else points out our behavior that bothers them, it is because it harms the relationship.
“We all need to improve. So you shouldn‘t think, ‘I want to be myself.’ Instead, you should think, ‘I want to be a better person.’ When your partner points out something you need to improve, do not become hardheaded, but be grateful they are showing you the error you could not see in yourself. This is how a couple who practices intelligent love acts.”
If you tend to be too quiet, you can learn from the person you love how to express yourself more. On the other hand, if you tend to talk too much, you can learn from them how to be more composed. In summary, take advantage of your partner‘s qualities to improve yourself. This doesn‘t mean changing who you are but rather adjusting your behavior to avoid hurting each other. “This is how you can make a difference in your marriage and not develop a problem in your life.”
The Love Therapy takes place every Thursday at 7 PM at select locations of The Universal Church. Call 1-888-332-4141, text 1-888-312-4141, or visit The Universal Church for more information.
Contributors:
Jeane Vidal
