To Avoid Conflicts With Her Stepfather, She Is Considering Moving in With Her Fiancé’s Mother

During the radio program The Love School Answers, Mariana, who lives in Brazil, sought advice from professors Renato and Cristiane Cardoso. She explained that she has been having a tough time with her stepfather, who doesn’t want her living in their home. Her fiancé, currently unemployed and living in another state, suggested that she move in with his mother to escape the situation, but Mariana is hesitant about this option.

MARIANA—I’m going through a very difficult time because my stepfather doesn’t like me and doesn’t want me in the house. My fiancé, who is unemployed right now, wants me to stay at his mother’s house, but I don’t want to. What should I do?

RENATO—Let me be very clear: leaving your parents’ house is never a good reason to get married or to live with someone. Typically, the motivation is to escape a problem, and, as a result, the implications of such a decision are often overlooked. While moving in with your fiancé’s mother—and him—might seem like a good short-term solution, you need to consider that he is unemployed. Living together before marriage can lead to complacency; why would he feel the need to marry you if you’re already living together? Making this decision solely to escape your home situation is not conducive to your love life. You will leave one problem only to enter another. It’s essential to address the issues with your stepfather and your mother first.

CRISTIANE—Allowing your partner to “do you a favor” by giving you a place to stay can start your relationship on shaky ground. If your future involves marriage, he might later remind you that he took you in when you had nowhere else to go. This dynamic can be harmful because it may lead him to feel entitled to mistreat you or hold it over your head. Unfortunately, this is common among young women who seek to escape problems at home without realizing that they’re compromising their sense of agency. Consider that you would be leaving the only family support you have to live with someone else’s family, who will have their own rules. If you don’t accept their guidelines, where will you go? Don’t abandon your home! See if he loves you enough to say, “We care for each other, so I will work hard to find us our own place, and we’ll get married because I want you in my family.”

RENATO—Additionally, it’s essential to recognize that your challenges with your stepfather and potentially your mother involve relationship dynamics. If you can’t resolve these issues at home, that inability to manage domestic problems could carry over into your new relationship. While your mother-in-law might be a lovely person, most mothers prefer to maintain boundaries when it comes to their sons living with girlfriends. This can lead to resentment, criticism, and negative comments. How will you handle that? The best approach, Mariana, is to try to negotiate a peace agreement at home. If you are in an abusive situation with your family, however, consider finding a different place to stay until you sort out your marriage with him.