“He Said I Deserved to Be Cheated On”

During the radio program The Love School Answers, instructors Renato and Cristiane Cardoso counseled a regular listener (referred to as a student of the radio program by the hosts) who, after only nine months of marriage, is facing constant conflicts due to financial issues. She revealed that her husband spends most of his salary on motorcycles and refuses to contribute to household expenses. Furthermore, she recently discovered that he consumes pornography. When she confronted him about it, he reacted by saying she “deserved to be cheated on” and began ignoring her at home.

STUDENT—I have been married for nine months. During that time, my husband and I have experienced several conflicts involving selfishness, pride, and financial issues. We both work, and I understand that our combined income should be used for the benefit of our household. However, he earns more than I do, and I end up without a penny for anything. Whenever I need something, he flat-out refuses to help me, which makes me very embarrassed. He spends all his money on motorcycle parts, which is his passion. Additionally, I discovered he has been viewing pornography on his phone. When I questioned him about it, he became angry and aggressive, claiming I was looking for trouble and that I deserved to be cheated on. I pointed out that he was already cheating on me in his thoughts, and since that day, he has not spoken to me. I don’t know what to do.

RENATO—You probably didn’t realize that his passion for motorcycles would lead to problems in your marriage or assumed he would give them up after getting married. It’s crucial to closely observe your partner’s behavior before marriage because he will not change after that.

CRISTIANE—Marriage is a long journey. Think of it as being on a plane, sitting next to each other for years. You need to know who your partner is, what they like, and whether they would share food with you at the moment of hunger. That is, you need to ascertain several aspects before entering a marriage. For example, you could have asked him the following: ‘I earn this much, and you earn this much. When we get married, will our money be combined, or will we keep it separate?’ This information might seem trivial, but it can make a significant difference.

RENATO—This type of question highlights the importance you give to different things. For you, student, it seems that motorcycles are more important than you to him.

CRISTIANE—Once you learn the answers, you need to do what is right. Sometimes, you might have the answers but fail to take action. If he is unwilling to change, you have to muster the courage to end the relationship.

RENATO—If you decide you don’t want to continue the marriage this way, tell him: ‘I want the best for us, but if you believe I need to make concessions, I’m open to hearing your perspective. However, don’t ask me to accept pornography or to give you all my earnings so you can maintain your hobby.’ Be clear about your non-negotiable conditions.

CRISTIANE—He will likely test you. He may not believe you would actually leave, so you must be prepared to follow through if he refuses to change.

RENATO—This doesn’t necessarily mean getting a divorce, but it will help you regain the power that he currently holds. Go back to your parents’ house. This will expose what is going on between you, and both yours and his parents need to know because it’s childish of your husband. Be brave while doing this. The Love Therapy is available to support you.